Shh. Don’t tell. (Meg)

I grew up in a house with a secret. A big secret. Unfortunately, although the secret had an effect on me, it’s not my secret so I can’t tell you what it is. I can tell you what it did to me however; I can’t keep a secret to save my life. Well, maybe I could keep a life-or-death secret, but other than that, really, don’t trust me with your secrets. They spurt up out of me uncontrolled and unbidden, and usually un-welcomed! But somehow, after the initial guilt, confusion, and regret have passed, I feel better. That’s because secrets are soul killers. And my soul doesn’t like to keep them.

Secrets also carry power. If you know a secret and someone else doesn’t, you have the power. Even if you aren’t keeping the secret because of a devious plot to gain the upper hand, it still gives you the power. Even if the other person is completely oblivious to the secret’s very existence, you still have the power. That’s why the secret I grew up with stayed a secret so long–it gave the secret keeper power over the rest of us.

It’s not a power I ever want–I remember the time a friend told me she was pregnant before she told her husband! I don’t know why she did that, but it was very uncomfortable for me because suddenly, in some weird way, I was closer to her than she was to her mate. And it felt wrong. (I did manage to keep that one, until now.)

Now my family has a new secret, also not mine to share. And it’s working its evil magic on us all. Although the thing itself could be quite joyful, having it be a secret means that bad feelings are rising up all over. Here and now, no matter what sacrifices I have to make (not attending events, not maintaining friendships, etc.), I promise never to participate in secret keeping again. Wish me luck!

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4 Responses to Shh. Don’t tell. (Meg)

  1. Kathleen says:

    Carrie Fisher wrote in her book WISHFUL DRINKING, that you’re only as sick as your secrets. Overall it’s not a great read, but that one observation is spot-on. I think it’s because the very notion of a secret – even if it’s a joyful thing – always carries the baggage of some shame with it. You can’t be entirely honest with someone you’re keeping a secret from.

  2. Maureen says:

    Wow, I have to admit — this one is problematic for me. As a Scorpio, I am very secretive. Secrets are just that to me, secrets…By their very nature, I have no desire to divulge, expose, or share them. But I wish you the best of luck in keeping yours, my dear!
    Geminis are all about communicating — the antithesis of secret keeping. xoxo

  3. Mimi says:

    Hmmmmm…. well that one will have us all thinking and wondering into the wee hours of the night! …and secrets….. it seems that as we age, our ability to keep them doesn’t change…. only our ability to remember that they were secrets in the first place (and that we shouldn’t have told them!).

  4. Meg says:

    I didn’t mean to be coy, but really, these secrets are not mine to tell, however they burden me nonetheless. And Mimi, interestingly, my mother’s recent inability to keep secrets for some of the very reasons you mentioned is one of the most refreshing and enjoyable parts of her aging process–at least for me. She would probably disagree!

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